So this is about the day my feelings died, broken into a million pieces.
It took me 14 years to understand why the man I love couldn’t show affection towards me. I knew that in his own twisted way he loved me, but we have come to a point where knowing is just not enough.
I ask myself the same question over and over again. Can I do it? Can I go on with this, knowing that nothing will change for the better? That no matter how hard I have tried to do the right thing it hasn’t mattered.
All the guilt, all the blame, all the harm I did to myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough for him …
Everything that defined me in these years … I didn’t knew better… I could have walked away one hundred times and still, I stood there hoping for the better.
I stood and I felt pain and sorrow and I hoped one day it will go away. I hoped that one day he will open his heart to me and he will allow himself to feel and express the love he claims he had for me.
The truth is that everything was a sadistic game and I was a part of it. I allowed it. I took part with all my being… because I thought that love will heal all. But that wasn’t love, that was pain and sorrow…
It hurts so much to know that alive or dead it would have been the same.
I know now he can’t feel emotions or that something is broken in there so bad that he will never feel anything good. His soul scares me the most, is full with layers so thick meant to hide his heart.
If I leave him, he won’t even feel pain or sorrow that he lost me, he would only add one more layer just to feel nothing at all… and I …. I don’t matter. For us, love does not heal all.